2003-11-19 - 2:17 p.m.
since there are cable channels devoted to almost everything, i'd like to make a plea for a cable channel devoted entirely to tv movies of the 70s and 80s as well as afterschool specials. doesn't that sound good? i'm well aware of the "lifetime movie network" and while that can sometimes entertain me (see nancy mckeon in "a cry for help: the tracey thurman story"), i'm more likely to be stuck watching something starring tori spelling (e.g., "mother may i sleep with danger?", "co-ed call girl", or "a friend to die for").
i long for a simpler time, when tv movies were all about runaways, incest, anorexia/bullimia, drug abuse, and mental problems. i'm tired of the movie-of-the-week based on the latest headlines (see "the jessica lynch story", "the elizabeth smart story"). the closest thing i saw to an old-school tv movie recently was "homeless to harvard" starring thora birch about a girl whose parents were crazy drug addicts and how she ended up on the street but somehow managed to pull it together and get into harvard. still, even this movie couldn't satisfy my hunger for the salacious tv movies/specials of yore. oh yore, where have you gone?
quite possibly, my favorite movie/afterschool special (hereby known as "asp") is "desperate lives" starring a young helen hunt. this movie ruled because it was all about trying to warn teens of the dangers of "angel dust". in a particularly naughty (by asp standards) scene, helen hunt's sexy surfer boyfriend tempts her with a bump of angel dust on his hand. she totally succumbs to his dirty peer pressure ("c'mon baby, it'll make you feel good, you know you wanna feel good baby") and snorts the shit out of it. moments later, she freakydeaks and dives through a plate glass window then writhes on the ground amidst the glass and then all cut up screams and brandishes her sliced arms at the students congregating to watch her freakout. although that part is AWESOME, the best is saved for last. the school counselor, noting the furious angel dust epidemic all around her, begs and pleads at a bonfire pep rally for her students to come forward and throw their illicit drugs onto the fire. practically every student throws either doobage or pills or whatnot on the fire, did the counselor not realize that the students' intention was to get a massive contact high? gods of dvd, release this movie so i can watch it over and over again!
i'd like to give a shoutout to tv movies (tvm) and asps about bullimia and models (sometimes in the same movie, sometimes not). i pray every sick day that i will turn on the tv to find "kate's secret" on. starring ms. meredith baxter birney, "kate's secret" is about a housewife's struggle with bullimia. mbb's binge scene where she goes to the donut place, the pizza place, the supermarket, and the burger joint is both repellant and fascinating. i can't turn my eyes away. when she goes to the eating disorder clinic, she meets up with tracey nelson who plays a model, who later dies and helps put mbb on the road to recovery. hbo's "lifestories: families in crisis" had a whopper of a bullimia movie starring a young unknown calista flockhart (and claire danes as her younger sister). in this one, calista was a teen model who threw up in tupperware and jars and hid them in her closet before disposing of them in the ravine below her house. her mother's discovery of the puke closet is without a doubt one of the most disgusting moments in tvm history. let's not forget about "the marla hanson story", the true story of a model who was viciously attacked and facially scarred by a crazy guy who was in love with her, this starred cheryl pollak who was the good girl gone bad in the christian slater vehicle "pump up the volume". i may have saved the best model movie for last with "paper dolls" starring an unknown daryl hannah. daryl plays a world weary teen model who tortures newbie alexandra paul (later of "baywatch" fame) only to become bff later on. it features a slew of makeover scenes (which often make a tvm or asp great) and catfights galore. i'm not gonna lie, i've looked on ebay to see if this sucker is available...
quick shout out to "like normal people," the tvm we all know (and quote) starring shaun cassidy as half of a mentally handicapped couple named roger and virginia. to say any more would be totally cruel, so i'll zip it.
what ever happened to roxana zal? ms. zal was prominently featured in a sload (read: shitload) of classic 80s tvms. like "something about amelia" in which her father ted danson molested her or "daughter of the streets" where a young john stamos was her pimp. i looked her up and it seems she is now steadily employed in soft-core adult cinemax-stylee movies. good for you roxana, way to keep the career alive!
the current tvms cannot hold a candle to these old school movies. shouldn't we be seeing tvms about ecstasy abuse, cutting, and teenage sex in this day and age? a whole new generation is not getting the advantages we had as preteens. i feel sorry for the younger generation for lots of reasons, but for this one, i pity them the most.
