2004-03-01 - 10:38 a.m.
welcome to the recap of the 76th annual academy awards or as i like to think of it, the last time in my life i will ever have to look at elijah wood's simpering face and baleful eyes for 4 hours!
i started preparations early, by watching the missing links, joan and melissa rivers, make absolute fools of themselves on the red carpet. i literally screamed with fear each time joan rivers turned to face the camera. she looks like the part in beetlejuice when alec baldwin and geena davis stretched their skin to make scary faces. there is such a thing as too much botox people, and here is a "living" example. my favorite part of the preshow was when jamie lee "hermaphrodite or no?" curtis threatened to kick joan's ass if she fucked with the little girl from "whale rider". clearly, jamie lee still suffers from an excess of testosterone.
for the record, i was all about bill murray winning although i knew they would give it to sean penn. but when i saw johnny depp, i threw all my loyalty right out the fucking window. i was so busy swooning at his recaptured "21 jump street" hairdo that i could hardly concentrate on anything else. seriously, he looks about 21 years old. watching him shake hands with and graciously congratulate the little girl from "whale rider" gave me a stirring in my loins like you wouldn't believe. if i were the girl from "whale rider", i would have humped his leg right there in the middle of the dorothy chandler pavillion. i would have no problem getting kicked out of the oscars for a chance to frottage johnny depp.
the show kicks off with the usual billy crystal montage and song and dance number. it's blah. catherine zeta jones comes up to present best supporting actor, cut to her husband michael douglas in the audience who apparently has had cataract surgery (nice shades). when they pan the camera on the nominees, i realize that benicio del toro looks exactly like he is trying out for tim burton's sequel (please god no!) to "planet of the apes". because oscar loves an abused victim, tim robbins wins for "mystic river" and gives the world's most boring speech.
it is the only the first award and my sister declares the oscars BOOORING. she also devolves into potty humor, shouting "float a" every time the word "seabiscuit" is uttered. i gag as she says, "imagine giving peter jackson a blumpkin?"
"lord of the rings: return of the king" begins winning every award it is nominated for. each time they win they cut to the row of hobbits who are totally giving each other handjobs throughout the whole show. due to the excessive reaction shots of elijah wood, i seriously contemplate paper cutting my eyeballs.
did anyone else think it was weird that they played "are you lonesome tonight?" by elvis presley when nicolas cage walked out? last i checked, he had divorced lisa marie presley.
file under oscar loves a clampett, renee zellweger wins best supporting actress for her caricatured portrayal of ruby in "cold mountain". renee has either turned into an emotionless cyborg (see helen hunt) or her foundation garments were so tight that she was incapable of expressing any emotion. either way, i think i hate her now. best part of her speech? when she thanked tom cruise and the cameraman cut to nicole kidman's frozen toothy smile.
did someone forget to tell me that tom hanks is running for president?
the most notable thing about the live action short category is that it affords me the opportunity to give a "where are they now" shout out to william zabka, aka billy, aka johnny from "the karate kid", who was nominated in this category. he didn't win which is a fucking shame, because i bet he was wearing his cobra kai headband.
the winner of short animated film congratulated her mother for dying, which is just wrong.
sting performed his nominated song for cold mountain on some strange tantric sex device while singlehandedly trying to bring back kylie minogue's "locomotion" dance from the eighties. elvis costello's performance would have been more notable had he refused to play the oscar nominated song and broken into "radio radio" instead. annie lennox wisely left her mouse ears at home and instead concentrated on channeling cate blanchett's scary elf queen faces crossed with the posture of gollum.
for the record, i hate will pinkett smith and jada pinkett smith. please remind me why they are famous, and for the love of oscar, tell me why they only address each other as "baby". as in, "i'm just excited to be up here with my baby!"
blake edwards dies in freak wheelchair accident, news at 11.
hottest couple of presenters at the oscars? diane lane and john cusack. my loins are aflame for both of them.
during the death montage i pour out a 40 for ron o'neal, aka superfly.
uma thurman apparently forgot it was the oscars so she tore down her curtains (a la "gone with the wind") and made them into her dress.
11:30pm elijah wood blows peter jackson a kiss and i barf in my wine.
oscar loves hollywood royalty: my non-sexual girlfriend sofia coppola demonstrates why she is best behind the camera, rather than in front of it when she delivers her wooden speech for best original screenplay.
the hobbits' cocks are all chaffed because when peter jackson wins best director they begin another hobbit circle jerk.
oscar loves a serial killer, because charlize theron wins for "monster". i decide presenter adrian brody is a "manorexic".
sean penn wins best actor and i want to cry a little because of the expression on bill murray's face. also, i want to sit on johnny depp's face.
crosseyed steven spielberg incites the eleventh hobbit handjobfest of the night. raw and tired, zippers askew, the hobbits lead each other to the stage by each others cocks.
words to describe the night? lackluster. boooring. circle jerk. johnny depp swabbing my deck.
shout out to myself for winning the oscar pool at work! i'd like to thank the academy for the $44 dollars i won!
